Woody Allen has this joke. Someone once asked him, "Mr. Allen, do you believe love can last forever?"

He replied "Of course I do. Unrequited love -- that lasts forever!"

It's a joke, yet there's truth in it. Unrequited love can last a long time because it's almost all fantasy -- a smidge of reality which we add our own special hopes and dreams to, tons of sizzle with a bite a steak.

And because it's mostly fantasy, our object can seem to take on nearly perfect qualities -- human imagination is like that -- that rarely get tested against the reality of who they really are. Frankly, one of the most surprising (and frankly, most "personal growth producing") aspects of relationship is how different the reality of people are from our fantasies of who we think they are. (And that reality isn't always an unpleasant surprise -- our imagination of what we want can sometimes be fairly limited and sometimes people can show us virtues we never knew we needed.)

But in this case, the object of your infatuation showed himself to be an ass. He got way too drunk. He acted sleazy in public. He showed real disregard for his friends' feelings.

You got a cold splash of real information about this guy. Not the last word on his character, I'm sure, but now you're forced to examine your fantasy of him.

Psychologists call this "cognitive dissonance", I believe -- when you have two opposing views in your head that don't agree. "L" the right guy for you and "L" the so-wrong guy for you. And to resolve this dissonance, you have two choices -- let go of the "L is the right guy" belief or question and attack the observer who gave you this new information, meaning attack yourself.

You wrote: "Maybe I was disappointed in myself for not being enough, for putting myself in that situation, for being so stupidly infatuated with L."

Well, that's an option -- you can kill the messenger if you'd like. You wouldn't be the first. ;-)

Or you can take in the new information and think "Gosh, I really thought 'L' was this perfect guy. But boy, was I wrong. OK, new information: both about L and about what I really want. Guess I'm doing that living and learning thing." More work involved in that choice, but I'd suggest it's a more "authentic" one.

Now, don't get me wrong, I'm not saying that letting go of a crush is ever easy -- especially when that crush means more than "I think you're really cool" but rather "You are the one to end my lonely days." which sometimes I get the impression he represents to you. But you have new information that you didn't have before. If you can forgive yourself for misjudging a cute guy's character -- and welcome to the club on that one -- and use this as an opportunity to get clear on what you really want, then your eyes will be a little more open in the future for a guy who really is right for you.

The sad truth is that it probably won't be the next guy -- making healthy choices takes time and a lot of work and did I mention time? -- but if you are committed to it, the next one will be better. And the next one. And the next one. Until eventually, you do find Mr. Right who -- because he's right -- will love you back for who you really are. And then you get to stop putting so much work into the dating scene and get to put tons of effort into making a relationship work!

And life goes on. And you grow. :-)

Be gentle with yourself, Michael. You're paying your dues right now. That's the price thoughtful people pay for wanting to live authentic lives.

The reward is that each time you pay those dues, you'll get a little closer to living that life. And in my humble opinion, that life is far more satisfying and more secure than the alternative. Lots of people choose that alternative and save themselves the pain and work up front, but pay it with interest later. Seems like you want to make a different choice.

Be gentle with yourself. I say, go do something really fun this weekend... :-)

~Alex