Now what?
Well, here’s an update. I gained 3lbs in the past two weeks. I saw it coming, I even expected it. I’m not really that disappointed in it at all. It was my birthday. I did celebrate. Plus, I haven’t been exercising as much anymore. But I’ll get to it, I’m sure. Just like I’ll get to my assignments.
I know that this sounds like I’m being very lazy. I am. I’m in one of those moments of just blah. I don’t really feel like doing anything; not even giving up. So y’know, I’ll press on. Just work until the feeling does come back. My horoscope says that it’ll come around at the end of the month. Until then, I’ll just try to stay ahead. I’m slacking off some of my homework but I can handle that. I can get everything organized by this weekend. Last weekend was my birthday so I wasn’t able to get stuff done.
Really, I’m just getting tired. My energy’s starting to wane. My health is starting to deteriorate… somewhat. I dunno, sometimes it gets hard to breathe. And I get so tired in the morning. It’s hard to wake up. Maybe I’m not getting enough oxygen in my brain or something. My diet has gone out of control.
I also feel lonely nowadays. It’s not at the point where I do want to go out and have sex. I don’t have the energy to do something like that, or even want something like that for the time being. I just have been having this feeling like there’s someone beside me every time I wake up. But when I do look, there’s no one there. And I am aware that there’s no one there even before I do look, but I look anyway. I don’t feel sad afterwards, I just feel like staying in bed.
Somehow I feel like my infatuation with L d has something to do with this. I’ve been doing a really good job keeping it out of my mind the past few weeks. The intensity of the infatuation has fizzled down to almost nothing but I still haven’t gotten over it. It’s just that it’s that time of the year when the weather will start to get a little colder and I’ll start to get a little older. I get lonely at these times.
So when I see him online, pass through his name on my cell phone, and when he calls to hang out, I think of him. He’s a really great guy, a very high-caliber person. He’s successful, ambitious, purpose-driven (somewhat), and very charismatic. He’s handsome too.
Sometimes I look at all that I see in him and wonder about things. I wonder if I’m infatuated with him because I genuinely want to be with him or if I just want to be him. I admire him a lot and the qualities I see in him I see in myself, they’re just uncultivated. I see a lot of myself in him. He’s just more sophisticated and self-actualized, like he’s in a different league. But it doesn’t seem too far that I get discouraged or I feel like I cannot relate to him. I think I relate to him more than most of the people I know.
And sometimes, I wonder when I will be worthy enough for someone of his caliber. I don’t think that it’ll be too far in the future. I just know that it’s not now. It’s stupid but it’s hard for me not to think that all of this is just because I’m simply not enough. I’m not successful enough, not charming enough, not smart enough… not good looking enough. I feel inadequate. And then, I feel very tired, physically tired.
I’m sure I’m not the only one that’s infatuated. I see the few other guys that are somewhat in the same boat as I am. I see the way they go around it, avoid it, or deny it all together. They get by, just like me. And slowly, we move on.
And I am moving on, things have become better since the first time I met him and the first time I brought him to PI. And it’s not like I think like this everyday. It’s getting less and less as the weeks go by. I haven’t even thought about it until this Monday.
And things will get better. Change is coming my way, I can’t really feel it coming but I just know inside that it will, and it’s going to come soon. There’s also that dream about me going towards a direction in the next two years. So, y’know, I’m going to grow, and from what my horoscope says, I’m going to grow a lot. So things will be fine.
I feel very blah right now but these things pass and soon I’ll be back in the game. And someday… someday, I’ll be good enough and/or feel good enough for someone of L’s caliber.
>>
M Domondon
September 3, 1988
Santa Rosa, CA
>>Graphic Designer
Peer Counselor
Self-Proclaimed Genius
1 Comments:
There were a number of years where I felt like this -- like there was this huge gulf between who I was and the end of perpetual loneliness. And IMHO, you're right to think that seeing yourself as more worthy of worthwhile partners -- that is, seeing yourself more clearly and not through the cloudy lens of self-disgust -- makes all the difference in ending that loneliness. Whether it's around the corner or in a few years, having the courage to ask for what you deserve strangely enough goes a long way in creating that "authentic and passionate life" -- more than you'd think it would. And other guys do take notice.
I hear you talking about how tired you are and it's hard not to think that you're fighting some depression right now. (I'm not a psychologist, just my impression.)
So, I read your blog post and thought I'd reach out to say that I don't know you at all, but from what I've seen, you have a lot of talent both as a designer and as a writer. And it's one of those classical spiritual truths that "everything changes." When things suck, change is your friend.
You're right -- things will get better. You're right -- things will get better because you're going to grow, from this and everything else. And as you grow and get more comfortable in your own skin, I think you'll find it'll be less and less important who you're good enough for, but rather, how well, how authentically, how passionately, how completely you live your life.
But even if you don't come to that conclusion, finding love gets easier -- especially as you leave your teen years behind. It just does. Both for finding someone to wake up next to as well as (more importantly, IMHO) finding someone who honestly likes you for who you really are.
Just some encouragement for a thoughtful guy on his 19th birthday. I hope things turn around for you soon.
Alex
By
Anonymous, at September 8, 2007 at 11:44 PM
Post a Comment
<< Home