Well, I don’t really know what to write right now. I planned to write about what happened earlier this evening but nothing’s really coming to me. I can’t really organize the things I want to say about what happened.
I’m basically upset, and most of it is my own doing but, I don’t know… it’s complicated.
I found out that I’m not going to be co-facilitator at PI anymore and now I’m upset. What am I going to do with PI, now? Okay, I get it that I don’t have to be a co-facilitator or someone important to be a contributing part of PI but it’s not like that’s an easy for me to let go of. I’m not used to being someone that’s not important. I have always been someone important. I’m a Domondon, for god’s sake. Being important is what we do. We’re a clan. We may not be one of the richest families but we’ve always held positions of authority, trust and responsibility. We’re not just a family of doctors; we’re a family of medical directors. All of the children have become student body officers – some presidents even. We’re leaders and very proud of it. So being important isn’t some hobby I like to do once a week, it’s who I am. I can’t really just “be.” If I were to really just “be,” then I’d be someone important!
Earlier tonight, James made a comment and tried to convince me to just let it go; like it was that easy. Actually, in his defense, he meant that I transcend what was bothering me and just be present in what was happening at that moment. And although I trust James and his friendship – I know that he holds no malice towards me, but I thought that the comment he made was very snide and uncalled for. He may understand what it means to have something great in him and the expectations that you can hold to yourself by having something like that, but I don’t think he understands what it means to have the conscious need to be great, to be a leader, to be important. I don’t think he understands what it like is to have that conscious need for as long as I have, and that’s a very long time. I don’t think he understands what it is like to have that as a birthright and as such, to never then have the excuse to being less than what you are meant to be. He doesn’t understand how I have faced that burden.
I guess I’m still really angry at the comment. I’m also still very angry about him telling me to basically just let it go, like it was such an easy thing for me to do. I feel that that was uncalled for. He doesn’t understand me enough to say something like that. I know that I can’t really get angry at James. He didn’t mean me any harm. All that came from his mouth came from a place of friendship. He just doesn’t understand.
No one really does.
Would that be a sign that I’m going crazy?
Y’know something? That’s not even really half of what originally bothered me about not being co-facilitator. I would’ve said something about it but it was already too much. I’ve already said a lot and at the time and it seemed like they were pissed that something like that got in the way of the evening.
Y’know what? I don’t even really feel like talking about the other half right now. I’m really not proud of what I have to say about it and I haven’t really resolved it yet...
It’s just that now that I’m not a co-facilitator, it’s going to be really hard for me to go to PI because I wouldn’t be obligated to play a role like that. And I just can’t really relate to most of the PI kids now. And my calling them kids is a testament to that. I feel like I’ve come to a point in my life where I matured to pursue the next step. What the kids are going through, I’ve already gone through and I just want to move on to the next thing to do.
James made a comment that I thought I was better than them. And that is not true at all. God knows I really care and I really have the utmost respect for those kids. But I can’t relate to them anymore. I’m going on to different things and conversation just turns into mush because I really can’t relate. I’m not proud that that’s the way things are but they are. Lord knows I try to do something about it and that I keep myself in the group even during the times when I really don’t want to.
And it’s not like this is something I wanted. I feel very ashamed that this is the way I feel about those wonderful kids. I feel bad that I feel such a great distance between me and them. I’m angry that that’s the way it is. I don’t even understand how I could really feel that way.
It was just a few months ago when I first came to PI and I was just overwhelmed with such gratitude that I was in the group and that I had so many people I could relate to. I was so happy to just know these people and how they opened their arms to me and how easy it was to be their friend. I remember the elation I had, the pure euphoria I felt when I was with these people. I remember the great conversations I shared with them. Hell, I have found the best friends I have ever had in my entire lifetime at PI.
And now what? I feel so different. It’s only been a few months and I feel so different. Why? I hate this. I thought I had something really going on and maybe I still do. But I can’t feel it anymore. It’s so hard for me to relate with them; and in such a short time, too. Again, it’s only been months! My goodness, is that how it’s going to be with everybody I meet?
I feel so bad about it. I feel like I’ve betrayed them somehow. I’m also scared that this is what is going to happen with everyone I meet.
And I think I’m better than them? Hmph, how can this be any better than them?
Being co-facilitator meant that I somehow still got to stay around and relate to them. Being co-facilitator, to me, meant that I was still part of the group. Because that’s the only way I can be part of the group, as some sort of leader. And now that that’s gone, I’m faced with being a part of the group the hard way.
>>
M Domondon
September 3, 1988
Santa Rosa, CA
>>Graphic Designer
Peer Counselor
Self-Proclaimed Genius
0 Comments:
Post a Comment
<< Home