A testimony on pathetic unrequited infatuation.



Ah, so… I guess this constitutes as another one of my writing sessions on how I have been doing lately. Right now it’s almost three in the afternoon of a nice cool day. I’m pretty centered now and I might even be able to go visit Positive Images tomorrow, although we all know that that’s not really going to happen. But yeah, the break from all the PI kids has just been relaxing.

I started to catch up on my homework, finally. I think that over the weekend, all I have to do as far as homework is that take home test from math, another English chapter, and just finish my typography assignment. That sounds simple enough. I could probably do them all in one day. Though I probably should just use Thursday and Friday to get things done and over with. Maybe I should plan something over the weekend; nothing big, just something to make me happy. Maybe I should just sleep.

So, now I think I’m ready to write about what happened over the weekend. I respect these people’s loyalty so I’m going to exchange their names with letters.

I was hanging out with R when L called me and we set up a plan to hang out. He felt like celebrating his nice big paycheck so he wanted some alcohol involved. I personally did not really feel like drinking that night but I didn’t mind a couple of drinks. So anyway, around, say, an hour and a half later we found ourselves with a couple of other friends sharing a couple glasses of Smirnoff and vanilla coke.

I did not take the alcohol well. I did not realize how much alcohol was put in a single glass. I drink but I only drink so much. I never drink to get shitfaced so I have never really drunken so much. My glass, someone said, was equivalent to 4 beers. Four beers weren’t bad but I was not used to taking that much that fast, and in one glass. I just took one and then I had a chest pain attack. It was really bad. I have been really stressed lately and my health has actually started deteriorating because of my diet. A couple of people were smoking so I had a hard time breathing. The alcohol, I guess, just made it worse. And the stress – I just cannot tell you how much stress I have been keeping inside – just broke me down. It was just a crescendo that lead to me on the floor outside, breathing shallow, sporadic breaths and shaking like I was in withdrawal again. Thank god Z and his friend N were there to help me through it by bringing me for a drive and buying me something to eat.

By the time we came back I was starting to feel a little bit better. My shaking stopped. I really don’t remember much although at this point the only people left at the house and awake were me, R, L, Z and V. R wanted to go swimming so we went off to SR to go to this Jacuzzi that one of us knew was going to be available at that ungodly hour (4:30 am).

Long story short, when we got to the place L was just drunk. Aside from my cousin, I haven’t really seen anyone get that drunk. He looked crazy. I kept wondering throughout the whole time we were there if L had taken some sort of drug right before he got into the pool. He spent most of the time trying to see how long he could hold his breath underwater. I haven’t heard of anyone doing that but little children. It must have been a really long time since he has been in a swim able body of water.

We all thought that he was just inexplicably horny. I even commented that he must be trying to exhaust his libido by going down the water so much. Every time he’d come up he’d have this look of, I don’t know, it was like he was just so interested at something, looking intently at something or at someone. I observed that it was mostly V. Though someone commented that L had the hots for R, which, he said, was the reason for a couple of instances that had happened earlier that night. I wondered if he was just down there looking at R or V underwater. A couple of times it seemed pretty damn well like it.

That didn’t really bother me, though. I was just happy that the jacuzzi helped me calm down and get a hold of my breathing. I was also getting very tired and I didn’t want to think of anything that could’ve stressed me out. So I just stayed back and watched them take turns at peeing in front of L while he was underwater.

Then, well, somehow it happened. L had stopped going underwater and was talking to the rest of us. R, Z and I were at one side of the Jacuzzi and L was groping V right in front of us. I was just shocked. I don’t remember seeing how it started. I just remember suddenly realizing what was happening in front of me. I saw L holding him underwater. I saw how drunk he was. I saw how he was looking at V so intently. I caught myself looking and just decided to block it away from my mind.

As we were leaving the Jacuzzi, the sadness started to sink in. It was around 5:30 in the morning. L was still in the Jacuzzi, I was trying to dress up fast to fight the cold and everyone else had run to the car already. I felt weird. (I don’t like admitting this but) I was jealous of V. There were a couple of times when I just really wanted to be held and a couple of times when I really wanted to be held by L. I was sad that that didn’t happen to me. It happened to someone else; and it happened right in front of me. I then thought that there was a really good reason why that didn’t happen to me – and quite truthfully, has never happened to me at all.

I felt really sad, really disappointed. At what? I wasn’t sure; maybe at the way my love life has been so far; maybe at James although I knew he was drunk. Maybe I was disappointed in myself for not being enough, for putting myself in that situation, for being so stupidly infatuated with L.

But I put those feelings aside, the night wasn’t over. By the time I was tying my shoes, L had already gotten out of the pool and had already repeated to me how cold he was, like he expected me to do something about it. I just blocked his complaints out and offered to give him my jacket so he could dry himself.

The rest of the early morning with L was pretty much just him being an asshole. On the drive back he was just frantically looking for his keys while mouthing off “shut ups” and “fuck you’s” to the rest of us in the car. At the house, he was throwing stuff around. Hell, he even threw a couple of things at me. It was actually kind of funny to watch how intoxicated he was. Even as we were going home, he still hadn’t found his glasses and in his drunken search, had made a business faux pas. That was something he did not shut up about until we brought him home.

Thank god R didn’t feel like going home yet. I was starting to gain some energy after relaxing at the Jacuzzi and feeling the shock of the cold air on my wet self. We went to IHOP to grab some breakfast until the sun came up. We had a really good conversation that made me really respect who R was as a person. It was a really good way to end the whole evening.